Purple Hair Patriots
by La Rata
Summary: First Story of the Crime Journal Saga. When the three stooges team up with out favorite profilars, what will happen? Pure loveable chaos. Read for an guaranteed laugh!


Purple Hair Patriots

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(WARNINGS: This will contain some mild scene of violence as well as some crime talk. Although, I might be paranoid.)

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Part I -

Hotch sternly stood up as he opened the file that he held in his hands. "Four bodies," he said without a preamble, "were found last night by several young men who were looking for a football. Apparently they were playing football with some local kids and they accidentally threw the ball too far out of the field and it landed in an an old abandoned factory. The men went into the house and they found the bodies. The coroner said that the bodies were all missing their eyes."

"You know," interrupted Reid, "that in ancient times blinding people was a way of retaliation. In fact it was so common that the Moses spoke about blinding people. Moses gave the commandment that if any person blinded his slave's eye then his own eye was to be blinded."

"So you think that it is a retaliation for some perceived look at something that they should not have?" asked JJ."

"It could be?" Reid paused as he sat there thinking for a few minutes.

"Regardless," Hotch interrupted, "we need to interview the young gentlemen to see what they saw.

* * *

Part II -

(Moe, Larry are in a construction zone.)

"Larry, get the tools," says Moe.

"What tools?" asked Larry.

"You know!" scolds Moe. "You know that tools that we have been using for the last ten years."

"Ooohhhh thooose tooools," Larry drawls out.

"Well!" says Moe.

"I'll move when I want to," Larry says stubbornly.

Moe simply looks at Larry. "Well!" he demands. "Are you ready!"

"Yeah, I am," Larry nods.

"Well! Get going!" snapped Moe.

Meanwhile, Curly had come back into the room. In his hands he holds a door inside of a door frame. "Now," he says to himself, "the boss said that the door was to go on the left side of the wall." With that he points to his left.

Moe walks over to Curly until he is standing in front of him. "No! The boss said that the door is to go on the left." he points to his left.

Curly gives him I-am-trying-to-understand-what-are-saying-but-I'm- not look.

* * *

Part III -

"Hi," said the officer as he greeted the group of profilers at the police station. "Um," the officer paused as he led the team through the hallway. "The three men that you want to speak to are working at the Powder Street. Although, I am not sure that your main witness will be to reliable."

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Part IV -

"Boy this house is really in poor condition," groaned Morgan as he studied the wall.

"You renovate houses?" Blake asked.

"No," said Morgan. "I restore houses..."

His words came to a pause as they walked into a room. There in a room the two men were pushing a shorter man around.

"Hey, HEY," he yelled.

The men stood scuffling around as they looked at the profilers.

"I didn't do it he did," the middle man said.

"No! He did," said the two men said as the point to the middle man.

"I'll be a witness to it," chimed the man on the middle man's left hand.

"Me, too," added the man on the middle man's left hand. "He had the money right in his head."

"Gentlemen," said Rossi, who was still stunned by this group of men.

"No, we just needed to ask some questions about the bodies that you found," Blake broke in.

"I'm, Moe," said the middle man.

"Larry," said the man to the middle man's left hand.

"Curly," said the man to the middle man's right hand.

"I'm SSA Arron Hotchner, this is Morgan, Rossi, JJ, Dr. Reid, Dr. Blake," said Hotch.

"I wonder what the SSA stands for," questioned Larry.

"Don't be silly. It stands for Sweet Singing Annie," grumbled Moe.

Rossi looked like he was about to pass out listening to the men argue.

"Can someone be this dumb," wondered Morgan out loud.

"Hush!" hissed Blake.

"Actually, we are not dumb," protested Curly.

"No your not. The original etymology of the word dumb began with the old English words meaning unable to speak. "To dumb something or someone down" was invented in 1933. The word dumb is similar to how a word like gay once meant happy but now means referees to somebody whose is having sexual intercourse with a person of the same sex desire."

Moe, Larry, and Curly give Reid a look of what-did-you-just-say?

"Never mind," JJ says as she realizes that the these men are not going comprehend to much. "How did you happen to find the bodies?"

"Why are you asking us?" asked Moe. "Because I can assure you that we were taught never to kill."

"No, but you might have seen our unsub," said Blake.

"We sure did!" laughed Larry.

"We did?" asked Moe, scratching his head.

"We did?!" asked Curly.

"We did!" laughs Larry. "At Subway. At Subway you can find five and ten and twelve foot long subs. The Spanish word for the letter a is un. S put the two together and you have an unsub."

"Oh a punster," snaps Moe. "Well I have something for you."

"Really?" chirps Larry.

"Yes!" Moe says. "Close you eyes and depress you lower jaw with your tongue out."

Larry does that. Then Moe sprinkles Larry's tongue with dirt from a nearby dirt pile. The team just stands there shocked.

Having been the first to find his voice, Hotch says, "We are look for a murder."

"Then why not just say that you are looking for an ax welling murderer?" asked Curly.

"Because in order to be an SSA you must have fancy words for simple things," protests Larry.

Shaking their heads the team thanks the three young men. As they are walking away, Moe asks, "Could you all show my dumb foster brother which way you left side is by when I say go we all lift our left hands?"

"Sure thing," agrees Morgan and the team.

* * *

Part V -

(Moe, Larry, and Curly are sitting at the a hair styling shop watching the television.)

"We are looking for a suspect that looks like this," JJ was saying. "The FBI is offering six thousand dollars for the apprehension of the suspect. The man that the public should be on the look out for is tall, about six feet, has long blond hair and large scar under his left ear."

"Wow," muttered Curly.

Learning back in his seat, Larry groaned, "Could you imagine what would happen if we could catch the murderer."

"Really?" chimed Moe in sarcasm. "Ssssssoooooo. So you expect a person that has been killing people to just walk into our salon and what? Ask for a hair job?"

* * *

Part VI -

(This takes several hours later.)

"Ding-ding-ding," alerts the door bell.

Moe, Larry, and Curly continue to snore in sleep.

"Gentlemen," says a lone man.

"Yes!" answered Moe. "Excuse me. Who are you calling gentlemen?"

"Listen, I don't have time for this," protests the customer. "I need you to cut my hair and dye it black."

"Okay," says Moe. He looks at the customer's hair. "Let me consult with my colleagues."

"This man has the thickest blond hair that I have ever seen," whispered Moe.

"Not to mention that he is the tallest customer that we have ever had. He is over six feet tall," states Larry.

"I saw a rather large scar under his left ear," Moe adds in a casual tone.

"Well you heard that man. He wants his hair dyed.

Moe walks back over to were the man is sitting.

"Tell me, sir," asks Larry, "have you ever had your hair dyed before.

"Yes," the man paused. "I had my hair dye blue once when I was a child.

"I see," said Moe.

"Listen," says Curly. "We need to go and get some materials for our hair dying product."

"How many people does it take to get a simple material?" asked the surprised customer.

"Three people," chirps Larry.

"Yeah!" laughs Moe. "One to hold the ladder, one to climb the ladder, and one to direct the whole operation.

* * *

Part VII -

(Five minutes later.)

"Be careful with that glass jar, Butterfingers," snaps Moe. "That is all that we have."

"We will have to buy some more," responds Larry.

"With what? Our good looks," grumbles Curly.

"We really need to find that fugitive. If we could find him we could but some more of this dye. Remember we are looking for a tall man that is taller than six feet and has long blond hair and has a large scar under his left ear," reviews Moe.

"If I didn't know that better," said Larry thoughtfully, "I would think that the man that is sitting right in our salon is the man that we are looking for."

"Really?" laughed Moe. "And what now. Do you see a pink elephant in our salon too?" He stands there thinking. Suddenly, he realizes that Larry is telling the truth. "We can't stop him by ourselves."

"He will kill us, "whispered Larry, turning a shade paler.

"Oh! No! No!" whispers Curly. He grips his throat with is left hand as he says, "I'm too young to die. I'm too handsome." He jumps as he sees his own reflection in the mirror. "Well I'm too young at least."

"Okay here is the plan," hisses Moe. The three men gather together to discuss what they are going to do.

* * *

Part VIII -

Hotch is sitting with his team eating a very late working dinner.

"Sir," asks a young female officer.

"Yes," says Hotch turning around.

"A man is on the phone asking for a Sweet Sing Annie known as SSA Arron Hotchner."

Hotch take that phone. As the team listens to his one sides responses. "Yes. No! You did WHAT!"

Storming out of the room, Hotch runs up to the local police officer's office. "Sir! I need you issue a "Be on the Look Out" (BOLO) for...

* * *

Part IX -

"Good morning, Texans," a chirpy new announcer announces. "Here is what is happening locally in thirty seconds. A farmhouse burned down in Dusty County. No one was injured. Police arrested thirty year old Tyler Moose early this morning after getting a tip that his hair was dyed neon purple..."

"Isn't this swell," gloats Moe as he turns off the radio.

"I know!" laughs Larry.

"Well we need to get to work. The boss wanted that room renovated and we haven't finished it yet," grimaces Curly.

"I think that we should celebrate this victory by going out and buying some ice cream," says Curly.

* * *

Part X -

(The entire team is on the jet heading home.)

"Well that is another sick person that is being put away," says JJ as she closes that file filled with pictures of the murdered victims.

"Who would have thought that those three men would have thought to use hair dye to help capture our suspect," laughed Morgan.

"Hey, Crime fighters!" a super chirpy voice chirped from the nearby television screen.

"Hey, Garcia," smiled Hotch.

"Okay, so you remember how you asked me to do a quick look into the three men that caught you killer. It turns out that they were all born to a couple named the Hots. Anyway, they were left on the doorstep of Sisters of Divine Mercy Foster Home. And get this they still are living there. Apparently they do outside work and pays for room and board," Garcia said.

"Wow," said Reid.

"I'm impressed how that sometimes the people that you would think were the dumbest are often that smartest," stated Blake.

"So they really dye that man's hair neon purple," chuckled Rossi.

"They told me in their official statement that they almost let him gat away because they did not recognize him," JJ said as she leaned back in her seat.

"I wonder if we will ever see them again?" Reid wondered with a soft smile.

"You really befriended them?" asked Morgan.

"I did," Reid smiled back.

"I don't know if we will ever see them." said Hotch.

"Don't be so sure," was all that Rossi said as he yawned.

"Anyone up for a game of GO," asked Reid.

"Not I," said Rossi. "I need to take a nap."

"But you said that you never could and never understood why people napped," protested Reid.

"So I did!" exclaimed Rossi. After a few seconds of thinking he said, "that was before I got old and still was able to go fifty hours without sleep."

"JJ?" whined Reid.

"Not I," was all she said as she leaned back with newspaper.

"Nor I," chimed in Morgan as he placed his headphone onto his ears.

"I wish I could," said Hotch trying to sound regretful be secretly rejoicing inside.

"Please, Blake? I mean you are the only one here that does not have something to do," Reid pleaded.

"Sure thing," Blake said as she sat down next to Reid.

"Did you know that the game of Go was original of Asian origin..."

"Reid..."

"Yes?"

"Be quite or your playing by yourself."

The End.

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